It is crazy how well I am getting to know my body over the past few weeks. I used to HATE it when people like my new boss would say stuff like “Oh I get so cranky when I have to miss a work out”. Or my older sister would say stuff like “I ate a slice of pizza and now my stomach hurts. Wah wah.” I could never resonate with these people. Yeah I used to get a bit stuffed up when I had too much dairy or felt bloated when I ate too many carbs, but it was clearly not enough to get me to stop eating it. But now, after about 45 days of clean eating and working out, I just get it.
Let me tell you a little about my Friday. We school counselors have been registering 8th graders for their classes for next year so we have had to go the middle schools. Since we had a little time between two middle schools and we were out and about, a few of us decided to go somewhere with food, quiet, and wi-fi to get some work done and grab lunch. We ended up a place in Tacoma called Farrelli’s. Pizza, pasta, calzones, and all that jazz. I was strangely craving nachos and even though there were about 20 things on the menu like salads and proteins that I could order, I broke. The nachos were pretty extreme. Three kinds of cheese, a bean sauce, ground beef, and all your usual topping culprits. I ate about half of the dish and felt pretty crappy right away. I figure it was all the melty cheese and sour cream. This was probably close to 600 calories? This was the first thing I had to eat that day because I am trying intermittent fasting lately (eat from 12-8pm, more about this in later post). I reasoned with myself that I would eat a healthier dinner and workout when I got home from work.
Flash forward to 4pm. At first, I felt super ready to workout. I was all NEW YOGA PANTS AND CUTE SPORTS BRA, I got this! I was really excited to workout too because on Monday, I had signed up for BeachBody on Demand. $2.99 a week to get access to tons of their workout videos. This is about $12 a month which is less than half a gym membership. Also, the first 30 days are free, so I am trying to get the most bang for my buck and also just make sure that I use it (unlike how I “used” my LA Fitness membership). So I am supposed to be on Turbo40 this day with Chalene Johnson of TurboJam/Fire and I get moving. About 20 minutes in, I knew I should stop. So I did. Oh em gee, I felt like horse poop. I had done nearly an identical workout two days ago and had KILLED it. I was on fire. I had made it through the entire workout doing the more high intensity moves and had felt awesomely exhausted afterwards. I was laying on the living room floor feeling ridiculously winded and I felt embarrassed. Even though no one was even around, including my dog, I just felt shaaaaaaame. So I thought, “Okay, it’s Friday. I am tired. I ate a weird lunch and didn’t do Shakeology. Maybe this one was too much.” So I turned on a 30 minute Turbo Jam workout. 10 minutes into that and not being able to keep up with the much slower, less intense workout, I gave up again. What was driving me the most nuts is that the combinations were all things I had done before, but I couldn’t seem to keep up with the speed. I felt sluggish.
Now, being that completing a workout makes me feel accomplished and that not being able to finish puts me in an awful, ragey mood, I knew I needed to finish on a positive note. So I turned on a Shaun T, 10 minute ab video with minimal cardio and finished that. A couple hours later, I did about 15 minutes of yoga to give myself some time to forgive myself.
This is where things get weird.
My bff Michelle was supposed to come over for dinner with her kids, but being that I spent the majority of my free time “trying” to workout and feeling sorry for myself, I didn’t prep anything or go to the grocery store. She didn’t feel like a salad and I didn’t feel like cooking for reals. So we decided to go get Mexican food since she and her kids never get tired of it and Ryan ADORES Mexican food. I feel bad for the guy. My healthy eating usually means he doesn’t get some of his favorite foods. I won’t feel bad when he still has a six pack at 50 though… So you are welcome Ryan…
I wasn’t even planning on eating. I wasn’t even hungry. I was going to sit and watch them eat and talk to the kids and if I got bored, order a glass of wine. So ask me how I ended up ordering chicken taquitos? I kinda don’t want to talk about now…
I am also pretty sure the voice I heard say,”Should we get brownies?” was mine…
And I am also certain that it was my hands that poured two glasses of red wine for myself as we settled in to watch a movie. And it probably won’t surprise you that those two glasses barely made it through the opening credits.
I think you all get the point.
Okay, so before you think I am sitting here beating myself up and lamenting my poor choices and letting bad habits take over my entire day, I want you to know that I AM NOT. Christine has this hilarious metaphor she tells me when I start crashing. She asks me,
“If you cracked the screen on your phone, would you throw the phone on the ground and smash it with your foot?”
So I metaphorically smashed my phone with my boot clad heel yesterday.
But having had 45 days of clean eating and regular workouts behind me brought me back to how I want to keep living. This morning, I woke up and I worked out. I killed a 40 minute Turbo Jam workout. I drank my Shakeology and am having a cup of black coffee as I write. Ryan and I talked about going to the Greek place in Tacoma again so I can have a gyro salad for dinner. I will probably do a little yoga before going to bed. I am going to drink a lot of water today (which I just realized, I didn’t do yesterday). So how is today different than yesterday? How did I go from eating brownies and fried chicken taquitos to living well today?
OMG I figured it out. Yesterday, my entire thought process from lunch to dinner was “I HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR CHEATING!” While I was driving home, while I was working out, while I was ordering processed, fried food; that is what I was thinking about. I felt negative about it and felt like I was fighting this giant battle. I don’t even really know how to describe it. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was like when you are trying to swim against a current, not really getting anywhere, but you are fighting and getting exhausted. No wonder at the end of the night, all my willpower was depleted and I felt powerless.
So this morning? I woke up. I decided I would do a TurboJam workout regardless that Michelle and her kids had spent the night on the couch and they were in my “gym”. I put on a cute pair of UW shorts, a hot pink sports bra, and a hot pink workout top. I put my Nikes on and marched out to the living room, did five minutes of yoga poses for a good stretch, turned on TurboJam Cardio Party 2, a 40 minute workout, and went for it. I didn’t care that people were around and could see me, and yeah I felt kind of ridiculous sometimes. All the pumping and jabbing and speedbagging looks a bit silly, but damn did I feel powerful and strong.
Finished, felt amazing, endorphins pumping, sweat pouring. I took a cool shower and cleaned the kitchen and sorted laundry while watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2. Then I drank my Shakeology and water. Now that Ryan has finished tiling the mudroom, we are going to take Teddy Bear for a walk on the waterfront as it is our first beautiful day in over a week.
So how was today different than yesterday? How did I stop myself from jumping up and down on my phone?
- Good habits. I work out now. I just do. This morning, it wasn’t really a decision. It was like brushing my teeth. I do it because I feel clean, fresh, and good afterwards.
- I wasn’t trying to “fix my phone”. I wasn’t starting over or making up for mistakes. I just moved the eff on.
- Now I know. Now I know I feel like crap when I eat cheese. My muscle memory is telling me so now. Before, I never tried to work out after eating tons of dairy. If I had, I would have experienced what I did yesterday: utter, soul crushing defeat. I was really worried yesterday that I just wasn’t fit enough to do a second day of TurboFire. That was a bit damaging to my self-esteem. However, this morning after my body had some time to detox off cheese, it was able to complete an equally tough workout. I didn’t feel dead afterwards either. I was ready to tackle housework and go on a walk even after giving the workout my all.
So what does this all boil down to? First of all, I can’t beat myself up for treats. Also, I can survive on unhealthy foods, but I can’t exercise properly when I do. And when I can’t exercise properly, it hurts my determination and makes me feel down about myself. A vicious cycle has been exposed. So today, I am going to just be me. I am going to walk my dog, eat a delicious, slightly higher caloric salad, and finish the evening with some yoga or stretching. Because it makes me feel whole and happy.
Oh, also I am down to 176.2 lbs. 🙂 Oh yeah, that helps…